Tag Archives: women

Why Wives Love Frying Pans

A man is quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he exclaims.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Jenny written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Jenny was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asks why she had hit again.

Wife replies. “Your horse phoned”.

Male and Female Procedures for Drive-in ATM

New sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.’

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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Practical Approach

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

Husband: “Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!” You’re cooking too many at once.

Husband: TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Husband: Oh my! “WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!”Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

Husband: You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?”Have you LOST your mind?

Husband: Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Husband: Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”The wife stared at him.

Wife: “What’s wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving”

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy  & finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the
freezer—we’d both still be alive.

Linda Wolfe – Most Married Woman

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American grandmother Linda Wolfe has become “the most married woman in the world” after walking down the aisle 23 times, and is now “on the lookout for number 24”.

Mrs Wolfe, 68, is included in the Guinness Book of World Records for the dubious honour of being wed more times than anyone else alive. She has said that she is “addicted to the romance” of getting married.

Born Linda Lou Taylor, the American first married in 1957 aged 16, to a 31-year-old called George Scott. The union lasted for seven years, the longest and happiest of any of her marriages. Since then things have tended to go downhill. Over the subsequent decades she married a one-eyed convict, a preacher, barmen, plumbers and musicians.

Two turned out to be homosexual, two were homeless and one beat her. Another put a padlock on her fridge.
One marriage lasted just 36 hours because “the love wasn’t there”. But Linda, from Indiana, once married the same man, Jack Gourley, three times. She has had seven children by her different husbands and been a stepmother to many more.

Her last marriage, a decade ago, was a publicity stunt. It was to Glynn Wolfe, who in taking Linda as his bride meant he was the world’s most married man, at 29 times. He died a year later aged 88. Consequently she said that she was “on the lookout for number 24”.

She told The Sun: “It’s been years since I walked down the aisle. I miss it.” The serial bride, who now lives in a retirement home, said she had never cheated on a husband. She said if she had her life over again she would “never, ever” marry so many men.

His Diary, Her Diary

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we  go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.”

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do  with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today, we lost the football match.

And then the Fight Started….

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
 
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

*********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 

I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Naaah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

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A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started….. .

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

*********************************************************************
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

*********************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

And then the fight started…

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Men are men (A day at Lamaze Class)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher. “Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” asked the instructor. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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