1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar – Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno
9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 – Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the banks.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Makes You Proud To Be An American doesn’t it!
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $50.”
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!