Tag Archives: old

The Secret To The Good Life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above, Sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said.

“Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Thirty-four,” she replied.
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Talking Frog

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

“Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

“Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.

I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

“Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Differentiate between Grandmas and Grandpas

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” “Oh yes, Papa” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!”

What women want

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Write It Down!

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.” She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

Patient Status At Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”

Perks of Being over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, ” Did I wake you ????”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember