Tag Archives: men

Practical Approach

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

Husband: “Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!” You’re cooking too many at once.

Husband: TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Husband: Oh my! “WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!”Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

Husband: You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?”Have you LOST your mind?

Husband: Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

Husband: Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”The wife stared at him.

Wife: “What’s wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving”

Men Lie with Good Intention…

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.”Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”the Lord asked.

“Yes”, he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don’t want her to share me with anyone, so THAT’S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.”

His Diary, Her Diary

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we  go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.”

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do  with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today, we lost the football match.

And then the Fight Started….

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
 
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

*********************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started…

*********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 

I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Naaah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

*********************************************************************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started….. .

*********************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

*********************************************************************
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

*********************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

And then the fight started…

************************************************************

Men are men (A day at Lamaze Class)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher. “Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” asked the instructor. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Would you like to have your wallet stolen!

Be careful guys…

A ‘heads up’ warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and WindoLene

With their hot looking T-shirts, it is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.

Also August 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, & three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. In Burma Bazaar you could buy wallets for Rs 50 each…

Men’s rules (Are we such pigs?)

Please note.. these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
***********
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
************
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
************
1. Crying is blackmail.
************
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
************
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
************
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
************
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
************
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
************
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ‘s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
************
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
************
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
************
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
************
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
************
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
************
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
************
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
************

[v I s I-I u —KIMI___REDDEVILS—]

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
************
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .
************
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
************
1. You have enough clothes.
************
1. You have too many shoes.
************
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
************
1. Thank you for reading this.

Men are better friends

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend’s apartment overnight.

The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend’s apartment overnight.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion : Men are better friends

Pages: Prev 1 2 3 Next