Tag Archives: Jokes

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Largest retailer – Blonde & Sardar Jokes

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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Sardar ji says I love u to his girl friend and suddenly falls on the floor.

Girl Friend: What is this?

Sardarji: O ji, I’m falling in love!

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Sardar was writing something very slowly.

Friend asked:” Why r u writing so slowly?

Sardar: “I’m writing to my 6 yr old son, he can’t read very fast

12 Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

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2. If you get one of those pushy people who won’t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

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3. If they start out with, “How are you today?”

say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died….”

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

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4. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

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5. This one works better if you are male:

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Julie and I’m with Dodger & Peck Services….
You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

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6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,

“Julie!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?”

Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

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7. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

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8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster,

“I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?”

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9. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”

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10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.”

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

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11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example:

Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Widget & Associates.”

You: “Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?”

Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.”

You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

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12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say,

“Yeah! Now you know how I feel.” (smiling, of course…)

Laughter is an instant vacation

” Laughter is an instant vacation”
–Merlin Berke

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Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give you a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just theright person in this case.

You will see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

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Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

The Patience Of A Saint

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

Un-Invited guests

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd of guests and said “Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?” about twenty people stood.

Then he asked ” Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?” about twenty five people stood up.

The he smiled and said

“Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party”.

Most romantic first line, least romantic second line

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… But the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

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My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe “go to hell ”

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

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Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

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I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don’t take that paper bag off of your face

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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes –

Damn, I’m good at telling lies !

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I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming

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My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

Santa Jokes

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I’m coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn’t come back yet!
Santa: Why don’t u cook something else?

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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn’t tell me where.

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Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again.

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Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

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