A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him,
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Management, and I know how to screw people..”
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach with no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, “‘Ave ya ever been screwed, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”
The teacher said to young Tom, “What do you think of your Father?”
Tom said, “My dad is a hero – a horse ran loose down the High Street; he caught it, calmed it down and saved people from being injured, so my dad is a hero.”
The teacher said to Ryan, “What do you think of your Father?”
Ryan said, “My dad is a hero – a woman was drowning in the river; my dad dived in gave her the kiss of life and saved her so my dad is a hero.”
The teacher said to Harry, “What do you think of your Father?”
Harry said, “I have got to admit it but my dad is a coward. Last weekend my mother went to stay at her sister’s. My dad was so frightened he had to get the lady in from next door to sleep with him.”
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted…. ‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where? ‘
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
“What’s that Paw?” The boy asked.
“I ain’t never did see nothin’ like that in my life” Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says “Go get your Maw !”
Two Doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
“She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor.
“Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
There are three women stranded on an island.
One is brunette, one’s a redhead, and the other one is a blonde.
There is land in sight. “I have an idea!” the redhead says.
“We can swim there!”
So the redhead jumps into the water, swims 1/4 of the way, and drowns.
The brunette says, “I’m a better swimmer. I can get there.”
She manages to swim 1/3 of the way and she drowns.
The blonde dives into the water, swims 1/2 of the way, and looks around.
“I’m pretty tired.” she says. “I’m gonna swim back.”
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.