A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.
He could choose either a teacher’s brain which would cost him $10,000 or a politician’s which would cost $100,000.
“Does that mean that the politician’s brain is much better than the teachers’s?” asked the clearly puzzled man.
“No, not exactly.” replied the surgeon, “The politician’s has never been used so it’s almost like new.”
A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt all over!’
‘What do you mean?’ said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,’Ow, that hurts.’
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That hurts, too.’
Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts!’
The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde?’
‘Why yes,’ she said.
‘I thought so,’ said the doctor. ‘You have a sprained finger.’
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”
What’s the Condition ?
A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked what is the condition.
He died after what he heard.
Guess What would be the reply ???
It is …
7 are already out.
3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
and ………… ……… ……… …
The first one was a DUCK… 😉
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgement that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathro be belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t
use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of
complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under
his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “W hat’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed…..
“Not with a carnation.”