Tag Archives: funny

Who Says Men Don’t Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter,dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”.

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes,I do” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my carmaking love?”
“Yes, I remember” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…

“Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'”

“I remember that too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

“I would have gotten out today!!!!”

Just for Laughs…

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying.”

A young son asked, “Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens everywhere, son.”

Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say without single interruption.. just talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.”

A Woman’s Prayer .. Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, love to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Why Is Indian Hell Better?

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?”

He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” “But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?

“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails and then goes to the cafeteria…”

Choosing the Right Job Applicant

Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test. Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.

“Why would you do that?” asks the rejected second applicant. “We both got nine questions correct.

“Your fellow applicant wrote ‘I don’t know’ for question five. You wrote, ‘Neither do I.'”

The Difference Between Focusing On Problems And Focusing On Solutions

Case 1

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn’t work at zero gravity (ink won’t flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.

They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do…??

They used a pencil…

Case 2

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan ‘s biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which
transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department.

For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed  through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral

Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems :-)

Stupid Argument

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn’t paid for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me… that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven’t heard back from him. Guess I won that stupid argument.

Smart Solidiers Survive

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.

The Chinaman said, “My army would kill themselves for their country!”

Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, “When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!”

He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.

Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.

Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.

Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

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