Tag Archives: funny

BATHTUB TEST

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Kida !!!

Generation Y continues to impress

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !

1. Don’t change horses …….until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ………………………..bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before ……Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of …………termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ……..how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that ……………..looks dirty.

7. No news is ……………………………………impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a …………Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………… math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …………..stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ………….. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ………………. pigs.

13. An idle mind is ………….the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s …………….. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who …………gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ………………….not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ………….. the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ………. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ………..you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as …………Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ……………spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed ………get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you …….see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind …. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one…

25. Better late than ………….pregnant! __._,_.___

The School Answering Machine

The School Answering Machine

This is the actual answering machine message for a school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2

To complain about what we do – Press 3

To swear at staff members – Press 4

To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5

If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8

To complain about bus transportation – Press 9

To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Patient Status At Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”

Funny Insults!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your
looks?

5. At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as
your face!

6. Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing

7. Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I’d sue my parents!

11. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!

14. Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don’t grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this
morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is
in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it’s unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he’s funny, it’s a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who’s Who as What’s That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build
an idiot.

27. How come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it’s empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

32. I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the
next 10 years?

33. I don’t want you to turn the other cheek; it’s just as ugly.

34. I don’t know who you are, but whatever you are, I’m sure everyone
will agree with me.

35. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
credit?

37. I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me!

38. I don’t even like the people you’re trying to imitate, if you are
at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that’s very typical of
you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

Missing Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Pages: Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Next