Tag Archives: funny

Christmas gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”

“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”

“I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied,

“No, but Grandma is!

Love…….In Mental Hospital !!

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgement that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathro be belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

Using The Work Telephone

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

On a Saturday morning…

after breakfast…

Dad: People this is unacceptable.

You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here,

I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too,

I never use the home phone.

I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So – what is the problem?

We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Things you will find only in America

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Evolution of the word SHIT

In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet-but once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but when the process of fermentation began, a byproduct which is methane gas was formed. It didn’t take long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they
determined the role that manure played in the explosions,

Everybody began stamping the bundles with the term “Ship High In Transit”, so that the sailors would
know to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.!

Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T,” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

And then the Fight Started….

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
 
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 

I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Naaah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

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A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started….. .

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

And then the fight started…

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DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER…

This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted a! nd they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..Just when the! clock struck 11…

The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner!!!!!!!!!!

Twenty great funny one liners

Here are twenty great funny one liners :-

1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

8. You can’t buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

I hope you enjoyed the above.

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