A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.”
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, “Are you going to eat that?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself.”
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above, Sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said.
“Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Thirty-four,” she replied.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Mr.Bean in Avatar
Operator : ‘Thank you for calling Shanti Sagar Fast Food. May I have your…’
Customer: ‘Helloo, can I order..’
Operator : ‘Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s aah…, hold on…… 889861356102049998-45-54610’
Operator : ‘OK… you’re… Mr Singh and you’re calling from 1715B, 18th Cross Malleswaram. Your home number is 23440946, your office 56452302 and your mobile is 9823426625. You are now calling from your mobile now, Sir?’
Customer: ‘How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : ‘We are connected to the system Sir’
Customer: ‘May I order your Seafood Pizza….’
Operator : ‘That’s not a good idea Sir’
Customer: ‘How come?’
Operator : ‘According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir’
Customer: ‘What?… What do you recommend then?’
Operator : ‘Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it’
Customer: ‘How do you know for sure?’
Operator : ‘You borrowed a book entitled ‘Popular Hokkien Dishes’ from the National Library last week Sir’
Customer: ‘OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?’
Operator : ‘That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs 999.99’
Customer: ‘Can I pay by credit card?’
Operator : ‘I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 39,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.’
Customer: ‘I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives’
Operator : ‘You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today’
Customer: ‘Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?’
Operator : ‘About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your scooter…’
Customer: ‘ What!’
Operator : ‘According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,…registration number KA 04 X 1123…’
Customer: ‘ ????’
Operator : ‘Is there anything else Sir?’
Customer: ‘Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?’
Operator : ‘We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic……. ‘
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : ‘Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1997 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman…?’
10. The Aztecs drunk it
Chocolate was originally a cold drink whisked from cocoa beans by the Aztecs – and women were not allowed to drink it.
9. It was more valuable than gold
When Cortes conquered the Aztecs in 1520, he found that cocoa beans were prized higher than gold.
8. It was named in the 17th century
The word ‘chocolate’ was first recorded in English use in 1604.
7. It helped found the British Museum
The British Museum owes its very existence to chocolate. It was based on the personal collection of Hans Soane, who invented milk chocolate.
6. Chocolate bar an English invention
The bar of chocolate was invented by JS Fry and Sons of Bristol in 1847.
5. Expensive egg
Last year’s most expensive chocolate egg was encrusted with more than 100 diamonds and made for La Maison du Chocolat with a £50,000 prize tag.
4. Royal approval
On New Year’s Day 1900, Queen Victoria sent 100,000 boxes of chocolates as a personal gift to soldiers fighting in the Boer War.
3. Brits can’t get enough of it
The average person living in the UK – man, woman or child – spends over £1 a week on chocolate.
2. The King loved it!
The last food Elvis Presley ate comprised four scoops of ice cream and six chocolate chip cookies.
1. Egg-cellent selection
Woolworths is this year selling 170 varieties of chocolate Easter egg.