21 Wise sayings

21 Wise Sayings1. The best way to get even is to forget…

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts…

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight…

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth…

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving “advice” to God, isn’t such a good idea.

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up…

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it’s a forgery.

11. It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn’t finding the right person-it’s being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.

15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can’t hold it.

16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.

18. It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. You’ll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck…

20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

21. And last but not least — God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!

What should you wear??

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.

Wear your most s$#y negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”
.

.

.

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“Simple”, replied the Priest…
“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

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