A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
“What’s that Paw?” The boy asked.
“I ain’t never did see nothin’ like that in my life” Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says “Go get your Maw !”
Two Doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
“She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor.
“Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
There are three women stranded on an island.
One is brunette, one’s a redhead, and the other one is a blonde.
There is land in sight. “I have an idea!” the redhead says.
“We can swim there!”
So the redhead jumps into the water, swims 1/4 of the way, and drowns.
The brunette says, “I’m a better swimmer. I can get there.”
She manages to swim 1/3 of the way and she drowns.
The blonde dives into the water, swims 1/2 of the way, and looks around.
“I’m pretty tired.” she says. “I’m gonna swim back.”
A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.
The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.”
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, “Are you going to eat that?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself.”
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above, Sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said.
“Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Thirty-four,” she replied.