Category Archives: Misc

Three Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he, says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

Brain Transplant

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.

He could choose either a teacher’s brain which would cost him $10,000 or a politician’s which would cost $100,000.

“Does that mean that the politician’s brain is much better than the teachers’s?” asked the clearly puzzled man.

“No, not exactly.” replied the surgeon, “The politician’s has never been used so it’s almost like new.”

Last day of kindergarten

On the last day of kindergarden,all the children Bought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son Handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,

“I bet I know what it is-its some flower!”

“That’s right !”shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher A gift she held it up,shook it and said,

“I bet I know what it is –it’s a box of candy !”

“That’s right !”shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from liquor store owner’s son. The teacher, Held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop With her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine ?” she asked.

“No,”the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

“Is it champagne ?” she asked.

“No,”the boy answered.

Finally,the teacher said,

“I give up,what is it ?”

The boy replied, “A puppy.”

The truth about men…from a woman’s perspective

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER make the first move!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Who can possibly understand men?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

Buying a new BMW at 40

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th.

I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says,

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Fortune Cookie

Three armed robbers eating at a Chinese Buffet came across three bins of fortune cookies labeled Cookie#1, Cookie#2, & Cookie#3

The sign said that 2 of the three cookies would be a ‘good’ fortune & 1 of the cookie’s fortune would be twice as good as the others. Each guy picked a different cookie.

The guy who got Cookie #1’s fortune said, “You will recieve 1000 tax free dollars at 5 PM tomorrow.”

The guy who got Cookie#2’s fortune said, “”You will recieve 1000 tax free dollars at 5 PM tomorrow.”

The guy who got Cookie#3’s fortune said,…. “Rob those two other guys at 5:01 PM tomorrow.”

I am hurt all over!!

A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt all over!’

‘What do you mean?’ said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,’Ow, that hurts.’

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That hurts, too.’

Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts!’

The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde?’

‘Why yes,’ she said.

‘I thought so,’ said the doctor. ‘You have a sprained finger.’

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