Category Archives: Jokes

Stupid Argument

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn’t paid for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me… that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven’t heard back from him. Guess I won that stupid argument.

Smart Solidiers Survive

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.

The Chinaman said, “My army would kill themselves for their country!”

Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, “When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!”

He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.

Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.

Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.

Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

Why Wives Love Frying Pans

A man is quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” he exclaims.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Jenny written on it”, she replies.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Jenny was the name of one of the horses I bet on”, he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asks why she had hit again.

Wife replies. “Your horse phoned”.

Jay Leno On Stocks & Finance :-)

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno

9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the banks.

Beware of Free Peanuts

 young man is in a tour bus with many seniors when he is tapped on his shoulder by an old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 10 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again he can’t stand the curiosity anymore and asks the little old lady, “why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

The puzzled young man asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

How about a Red Corvette for a Entry Level Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The applicant said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Male and Female Procedures for Drive-in ATM

New sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.’

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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