Category Archives: Jokes

Action and Reaction !!!

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
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A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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Write It Down!

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.” She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Patient Status At Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.”

Gather All resources before working on any project

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

“Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s…!” exclaimed the eager salesman.

“Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”

“there’s no electricity in the house…”

Funny Insults!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your
looks?

5. At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as
your face!

6. Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing

7. Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I’d sue my parents!

11. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!

14. Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don’t grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this
morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is
in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it’s unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he’s funny, it’s a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who’s Who as What’s That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build
an idiot.

27. How come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it’s empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

32. I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the
next 10 years?

33. I don’t want you to turn the other cheek; it’s just as ugly.

34. I don’t know who you are, but whatever you are, I’m sure everyone
will agree with me.

35. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the
credit?

37. I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me!

38. I don’t even like the people you’re trying to imitate, if you are
at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that’s very typical of
you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

Missing Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

You Gotta Spell A Word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.

I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” , she replied.

Moral: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

N.B: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed lung disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

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