Category Archives: Jokes

Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009   also.

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that   it’s good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer…

* I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other   place and sometimes I even have to walk about  7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I  get a phone bill  with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and   Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she’s been 7 since 1993…)

* Still open to help somebody from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle’s property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

Poor Men Lament !!!

*Thought 1*

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from? *

*Thought 2*

The average man’s life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.*

*Thought 3*

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, ‘If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.’ The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, ‘Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.’ The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. ‘Who are you?’ ‘I am your guardian angel,’ the voice answered. ‘Oh, yeah?’ the man asked ‘And where the hell were you when I got married?’

This is the best!!!*

*Thought 4*

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom ; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced ‘Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life..’ Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, ‘My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.’

The whole audience including priest started laughing….

…… But not the poor groom!!!!

A Letter To Bill Gates

Dear Mr Bill Gates

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we
face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the ’shut down ‘ button.

3. There is a button ’start’ but there is no “stop” button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friend clicked ‘run ‘ has ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to “sit”, so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any ‘re-scooter’ available in system? As I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ‘ find’, but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my ‘mouse’ from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning ‘HEARTS’ (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect your money.

9. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when u will provide that?

10. Hey what is this, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad, but there is only one icon with ‘MY Computer’, what happened to the remaining?

11. There is not even single photo of mine in the ‘MY Pictures’.. when u will keep my photo in that.

12. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’

Thanking you,

Yours
Banta Singh

Its A Very Simple Operation

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

hospital

Make Sure Before you Utter

Make sure
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

 

Double the insult
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Smart Trading

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.”I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”

“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back right?”

“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.

“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her?”

“Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her,” said the drunk. “I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

What women want

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Kida !!!

Generation Y continues to impress

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !

1. Don’t change horses …….until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ………………………..bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before ……Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of …………termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ……..how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that ……………..looks dirty.

7. No news is ……………………………………impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a …………Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………… math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …………..stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ………….. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ………………. pigs.

13. An idle mind is ………….the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s …………….. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who …………gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ………………….not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ………….. the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ………. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ………..you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as …………Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ……………spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed ………get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you …….see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind …. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one…

25. Better late than ………….pregnant! __._,_.___

Pages: Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 15 16 17 Next