Category Archives: Jokes

A HORROR STORY

This sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock.

Presently… it’s real !

car

This guy drives to his hometown and decides to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the mountain way, his car breaks down and he’s stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It’s dark and raining and pretty soon he’s wet and shivering.

The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him. Without thinking the guy opens the car’s door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel !!! Even though there’s no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly.The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It’s a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside inn, which is open, and asks for a drink.

They find some drink and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the inn about the horrible experience he’s just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn’t drunk, and is really frightened – he’s crying and shaking. So they give him more drink and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two guys walk into the inn. One says to the other “Look, that’s the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it.”

You would rather have your woman shop!

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Can I have the day off tomorrow?

Employee: Boss, can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

I thought it is inspirational.. You think it is Funny !

Here’s some things to ponder on that concerns life in general….

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

12. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Interesting Management Lessons

Lesson Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

>>Management Learning:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

>>Management Learning:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat  discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

>>Management Learning:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Never start a conversation at the restroom!

no_toilet_paper_123675
This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: ‘Hi, how are you?’

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

‘Doin’ just fine!’

And the other person says:

‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!’

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
‘No…….I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the person say nervously…

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.

Might help to have a transparent toilet

Share us your embarrassing moments of this kind in comments.

A Dog Story

manjaly__dogCouple was going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don’t want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

The silence in the cab was deafening.

TV Remote

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
remote

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

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