Category Archives: Jokes

Funny Telegrams!!

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,
which the father receives as:

“Father, your daughter has been successful in BED.”

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife :
“I wish you were here.”

The message received by wife: “I wish you were her.”

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the line, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband

which reached as: “Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady.”

TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says:

let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks “how do you want me to put it?” The man says, Well put

“You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched
the message decorated on the cake:

“You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom”

What should you wear??

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.

Wear your most s$#y negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”
.

.

.

.
“Simple”, replied the Priest…
“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Fwd: Newton Laws

1st Law
A Desi will continue to stay in the United States of America due to the inertia of the Green Card until and unless an external force called Deportation is applied.

2nd Law
The force of deportation id defined by F = ma;

Where m = Amount Of Money Desi earned/saved in USA.

a = dm/dt, the rate at which Desi saved money.

(This is contrary to the common belief that Desi will return back after
making lot of money)

3rd Law

For each and every Desi that goes back to Desh for a temporary visit, a
Desi of the opposite sex will come to USA on a permanent visit.

Fwd: Computer Gender?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

“House,” in French, is feminine–“la maison.” “Pencil,” in French, is
masculine–“le crayon.”

One puzzled student asked, “What gender is computer?”

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French
dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by
gender, and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a
masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the
feminine gender (“la computer”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine
(“le computer”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Appollo Hospital

A couple went to the sex therapists office at Appollo Hospital .

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.

Cinnamon Grand charges Rs. 10,000, Taj charges Rs.7 ,000, Galadari charges Rs.6000. We do it here for Rs.300
and I get that back from Medical Claim ………

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