Category Archives: Jokes

How to Safeguard your Ferrari when you are away

An Businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going out of country on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Businessman hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the guy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,

“Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,  but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000” ?

The Businessman replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'”

A Marvellous Answer By Doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,”Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? ”

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…..

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He said: “Try to do it when the engine is running”. :)

The Best Of The Worst

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat,drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. “Take me to Detroit,” he demanded. “We’re already going to Detroit,” she replied.

“Oh … good,” he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.

When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

I know the whole truth

One day a classmate told little Timmy that most adults have at least one dark secret and that they can be easily blackmailed simply by saying, I know the whole truth.

Timmy decided to try it out. He went home and when his mother greeted him, he frowned and said, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, Just don’t tell your father This worked so well for Timmy that he decided to see what he could get from his father.

When his father got home,Timmy greeted him at the door and said,I know the whole truth. His father promptly handed him $50 and said, Please don’t tell your mother

Very pleased, Timmy headed out the door to school the next day when he ran into the mailman. He greeted the mailman with his new phrase, I know the whole truth.

The mailman dropped his mail, opened his arms, and said, Then come give your daddy a big hug.

His Diary, Her Diary

HER DIARY

Sunday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we  go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.”

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do  with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today, we lost the football match.

Christmas gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”

“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”

“I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied,

“No, but Grandma is!

Ready To Marry, Think Twice???

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

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The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

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“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

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“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”

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“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

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“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

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Love…….In Mental Hospital !!

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgement that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathro be belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

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