Category Archives: funny

Smart Trading

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.”I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”

“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back right?”

“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.

“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her?”

“Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her,” said the drunk. “I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

Common Things – Unknown Facts

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
———————————————————————-
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
———————————————————————-
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
———————————————————————-
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
———————————————————————-
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
———————————————————————-
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
———————————————————————-
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
———————————————————————
8. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath..
———————————————————————-
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
———————————————————————
10. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you
Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
———————————————————————
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
———————————————————————
12. The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
———————————————————————
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try toSuppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die.
———————————————————————
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History.

“Spades” – King David; “Clubs” – Alexander the Great;” Hearts” – Charlemagne; “Diamonds” – Julius Caesar.
———————————————————————
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
———————————————————————
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
———————————————————————
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser printers all have in common?
Ans. – All invented by women.
———————————————————————
18. Honey – This is the only food that doesn’t spoil.
———————————————————————
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
———————————————————————
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
———————————————————————-
21. All polar bears are left handed.
———————————————————————
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
———————————————————————
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
———————————————————————
24. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
———————————————————————-
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
———————————————————————
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
———————————————————————-
27. Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
———————————————————————-
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
———————————————————————
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
———————————————————————
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
———————————————————————-
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
———————————————————————
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
———————————————————————
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
———————————————————————
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
———————————————————————
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
———————————————————————-
36. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different
———————————————————————
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow and will search for the letters TYPEWRITER in the keyboard

What women want

What I Want in a Man, Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

BATHTUB TEST

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Kida !!!

Generation Y continues to impress

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic !

1. Don’t change horses …….until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ………………………..bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before ……Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of …………termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ……..how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that ……………..looks dirty.

7. No news is ……………………………………impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a …………Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………… math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …………..stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ………….. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ………………. pigs.

13. An idle mind is ………….the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s …………….. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who …………gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ………………….not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ………….. the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ………. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ………..you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as …………Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ……………spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed ………get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you …….see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind …. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and the last one…

25. Better late than ………….pregnant! __._,_.___

Action and Reaction !!!

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
========

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
=============

Pages: Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 21 22 23 Next