When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home :
Lock your doors
Draw the curtains
Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable pajamas and sit in your favorite chair.
Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins:
Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice, in small print , there is a statement.
“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
“I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.”
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What’s so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring, “he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
Kissing a woman at her FOREHEAD is Respect
At her LIPS is Love
CHEEK is Heroism
NECK is Lust
BUT KISSING HER IN FRONT OF HER HUSBAND IS BRAVERY.
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”
The Manager replied, “Which one? We have
‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes shopping’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95,
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 and
‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00”
“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat, Ken’s furniture and all of Ken’s savings.”
Mmm…Barbie Isn’t That Stupid After All….
After an international beer conference in London, all the world’s top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, “I’d like the most refreshing beer in the world, ‘The King Of Beers’: give me a Budweiser.”
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .
The Chairman of Guiness says, “I’d like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.”
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ” I would like the world’s best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.”
He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, “Just give me a Coke.”
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, “Hey Vijay, how come you aren’t drinking a Kingfisher?”
“Listen,” says Vijay Mallya, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I”
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road.
The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man’s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed.
Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, “Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let’s put this rivalry behind us.”
The Army man agreed this was a good idea.
So the Navy man offered, “Why don’t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck.”
The Army man thought this was an excellent idea.
So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted.
Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, “Thanks, but I’ll wait till after the cops get here!”