When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home :
Lock your doors
Draw the curtains
Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable pajamas and sit in your favorite chair.
Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins:
Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice, in small print , there is a statement.
“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
“I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.”
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What’s so bad about going to India on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lips”?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring, “he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00,
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00 because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00 .
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS”