How to Lose Weight Sensibly

Put down your funnel between swills.

Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.

Never eat longer than you can maintain your dignity.

Between meals, suck on a wino’s toothbrush.

Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.

Never sit facing the dessert cart.

Avoid dining companions who belong to the Four Basic Food Groupies.

Steer clear of restaurants that allow you to graze unattended.

Never eat to forget.

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